Well, I'm screwed once again and I'm trying hard not to cry (again) over my job situation. There was a month trial period, apparently and I got called today, not by my work, but by the agent that helped me get the job, to tell me that I no longer had a job, that Friday was my last day. Just an explanation of "I wasn't working out" and that was it. No warning, no indication that it was going to happen, no hint on Friday when I was there and there was management all around and nothing in the conversations I had with my supervisors that day. It pisses me off at the same time it makes me depressed. I really liked this job, I liked the opportunities it gave me and I just want to hug my cat for awhile.

This doesn't mean that I'm not going to go job hunting. While I'll have enough to tide me over for rent for the next couple of months, I still want and need a job. It's just so incredibly frustrating. D:

Wish me luck!

It's seriously been a very long time since I've updated LJ. Guess I really have fallen away from it and keep it for memories and reminders, old friends and communities that are still connected to it.

It's been an interesting time and looking back at old journal entries, it's easy to see how unhappy I was and how much I was forcing myself to be something I wasn't. My life in Utah wasn't healthy. The individual people were fine and the environment and my university life--but when it came to a group setting, I failed miserably and tried so very hard to pretend that I wasn't falling down.

Life isn't complete sunshine and sparkles, but I'm freaking done apologizing for being me. For being withdrawn, for liking my simple pleasures and not liking others. For being clumsy and silly, for wanting to rather read and cuddle my cat than hang out with people. Now, I am quite aware that this wasn't the case before; that I made the problems in my head, but it was so hard to see that before. There were times when my comments or opinions were shut down and well-- it just wasn't a healthy time at all.

Right now I'm about to get laid off with my job. I'm the last one in my particular position in this state (the rest are in Maine) and well, there really isn't a reason to keep me here. So in two weeks time my job is toast. Right before the holiday season, I need to scramble for a new job and all the applications are not yielding any sort of hope.

Still, with all this--I'm still happier than I was before. I'm more at ease with me and the world around me and I can still hope through the worry.

--

In other commentary of the world...

It makes me so thrilled to see actors portraying a positive image to the media. Where they are calling out the media BS about body image and personality and expectations. That it's okay to be odd, to eat what you wish and that 'this and that isn't me, THIS is me' and it's SO heartening to see that these people that are genuine role models to children today showing them that the people they are is okay. That they don't have to starve themselves to make someone else happy. That they don't have to follow the gossip and the clothes and the image that has been so prevalent. It's not perfect yet--but the fact that there are actors and musicians and writers out there that aren't afraid to speak their mind gives me so much hope for the world.

Wow, I'm getting really lax at updating LJ. I guess there isn't as much need anymore; sharing everything with the world can be problematic. But life is going along as it always does. Work, eat, sleep--try and do random things that don't include any of that. I'm frustrated at my lack of progress, but also intensely grateful that I have a job. It's not a job I like and going back to the customer service/call center field has felt like a failure, but I know I can accomplish something with it. I like helping people, it's the management that causes the most stress and sense of helplessness. I'm hoping some other job opportunities I've applied for come through.

At least I'm in a much better place mentally than I was last year. Moving away from areas that caused me stress and unease has helped, distancing myself from those influences that were having a negative impact on my life... and connecting with those that I can relate to, that I can care about and I know they care for me in return. I'm so very grateful for the friendships that I have. Friends are the most precious thing on this earth. They're the family you pick and I love them dearly.

It frightens me to think about the future, what's going to happen next year and the year after that... if I don't get a decent paying job soon (one that'll actually allow me to support myself completely) I get worried. It's made me think about going back to Utah. Bit cheaper there and yes, I still have friends there; one friend in particular that I giggle madly with and plot and can hug and talk with. That trusts me in ways that gives me hope that I can still help those I care about. I love it here, though--even with the high prices and worries. I know one day it'll work out. I haven't given up yet.

One day at a time, really.

Sometimes, I wonder at my mental state. I have to literally remind myself to eat and I can't function well in social situations. I'm terribly unobservant, scatterbrained and miss social cues like nothing else. My filter is shot at times. *laughs* I can also be incredibly focused, like "I have a certain amount of money each week. I need to pay for this, pay for rent and that'll be good..." I'll totally forget I need to buy groceries. I get confused and/or nervous when people talk to me and continuously second-guess myself. I think sometimes I have have a child's mental grasp when it comes to a lot of things.

>.> This was brought to you by Laz's third week in a row of going "Oh yeah... food. Maybe I should write a list or something."

dqbunny posted her stats and I thought I'd post mine as well for fun. I've been on LJ since 1-27-2002 and boy has a lot happened in those ten years. It's been an absolute crazy road, with ups and downs, friendships and endings-- this journal has heard and shared a lot and even with all the crazy changes LJ has done over the years, I'm still with it.

:)

So it's still a fair bit off, but who will be going to Otakon this year? Since I'll be on the east coast, I'm going to make my way up there. Anyone else? :D

Originally posted by electricdruid at The fiasco continues

Originally posted by nyxmidnight at Why SOPA is dangerous, an explanation of the bill

So it's a new year and all that jazz. A time of new beginnings, changes-- a whole slate fresh for the writing on. Reflecting on the past...

( blah blah past stuffCollapse )

So it was my birthday today and it started off awesome, had a yummy breakfast made by my roommate and then went to work--which was a long day, LOL-- but I worked with cool people so all was lovely. Got a ton of birthday wishes and it made me smile-- and then came home to the best cards ever.

Really really adore my roommates. They're the best ever.